Illuminati: A Thematic Masterpiece
May 30, 2011
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Honestly, I can barely make myself sit down to a game that comes in a beige box anymore…. You know, one that has a scoring track around the edge of the board… and that has colored wooden blocks that you push around… where… if I fail to choose a particular role right now (even though I have no interest in what the abilities on it can do for my position) I will throw away two and a half hours of gaming because I’ve basically handed the everything to someone who would otherwise have come in second place. Games that… though they appear to be a form of group solitaire, completely hinge on one player’s ability to convince the simple, casual players to gang up on a player that only appears to be strong… but who in fact has no chance of winning. Only a culture that is committing suicide can produce this sort of thing. “Ah yes… we are taking the moral high road by abstaining from violence… and we object to economic systems predicated on separating winners from losers and rewarding them. Want to play musical chairs?”
You and your games… your haughty superior affectations… you inspire me to promulgate my own varieties of direct conflict. But yeah, I know how you play: as soon as I make a move you’re going to whine and moan about my imperialism… my unilateral decision-making… my violations of the Geneva Conventions. You think I don’t see that coming…?! I know you. I know all about you. And I’ll get to you. You think I’m cowed by such silly things as world opinion and political correctness, but no! I’m forming a junta, see? They all think it’s their idea, see? But it’s really me! Today it’s the Masons. Tomorrow we take control of Planned Parenthood. The Koch Brothers? Ha! They’re funneling cash to the UFO’s so that the Tabloids can take over the Open Source movement. And you think you actually have opinions?!
Though it may be weak from a strategic standpoint for the KKK to control the Feminists-- who in turn control the Moral Minority-- it is nevertheless endlessly amusing.
No, I don’t think you actually have opinions. You just repeat the things that the groups I control are promulgating. Like right here… where it says “not recommended for two players”, you just read that, accept it, and go on playing your little dweeby euro-trash. But I’m not here to play games. I’m here to destroy you. And if I have to take the mind control lasers so that the coup de grâce that puts you down is by your own freaking hand, I’ll do it– don’t think for a second that I wouldn’t do that! Because this game… this is it. I don’t care if there’s two players or eight. I don’t care what you think you read on Board Game Geek. This is what I want to play. I want to see the undulating tentacles of my secret society cut through dozens of organizations. I will be the man behind the curtain and I will see the massive piles of cash shift like corpuscles from group to group as I hatch my diabolical schemes….
Make no mistake, friend… I will destroy you.