M.U.C.K. vs. Goldenrod the Elven Warrior/Evoker — Opening Statement of the Prosecution

The foul fae Goldenrod has, in her soulless wickedness, slain two innocent human women. Let us look at the evidence of this foul, foul crime.

These women were exercising their Saint-Cuthbert-given right to protest peacefully. Say what you will about their political beliefs, but they were not hurting anyone with their protest. They didn’t attack anyone, tear down statues of beloved historical figures, burn down any teepees, or try to kill anyone. Just expressing speech and exposing their ample bosoms. Then, some of these women peacefully entered the tower and had a discussion with the elf. In the ensuing chaos, three eggs went out the window. In order to protect the eggs and make sure they grew up with motherly affection, some of the women attempted to save the eggs by placing them in comfortable baskets, for transport to a safe place for family formation. Yet Goldenrod, in her wickedness, shot two of the women.

There are no doubts about who pulled the bowstring, multiple witnesses corroborate these events, and Goldenrod herself has not denied killing them.

In the esteemed case of Pelinal vs. Fruity Forest Fiefdom, it was established that the fae have, at best, a quarter of a soul in them, while humans have a full soul. The case established that, until proven otherwise, all other sentient beings have a full soul. Therefore, because Goldenrod has a quarter of a soul, that means her crimes are four times worse than normal. If she had had a full soul, her crimes would be “normal”, if she had half a soul, her crimes would be twice as bad as normal, but as previously established, she has a quarter of a soul, that means her crimes are four times as bad as normal.

She did not commit two murders, but EIGHT. Goldenrod is a mass-murderer by any standard. And by trying to stop the beings within the three eggs from having a loving family, she has committed not three accounts of attempted kidnapping, but TWELVE!

It is the opinion of the prosecution that Goldenrod is a monster who should be punished with the fullest extent of the law. She has no place in civilized society and should be given the death penalty eight times over. Hanging, drawn-and-quartered, decapitation, drowning, crossbow firing squad, death by a thousand cuts, stoning, and the wheel. We of the prosecution believe that Sanz Framidt would be the best man for the job.

Should the noble and esteemed judge want to waive the death penalty, the prosecution requests that Goldenrod is tossed into a cell with cold iron bars and never see the light of the sun again for
her long, quarter-souled life